Jenny continues to fade away. She had a few rough days of sickness, and now she's sleeping all the time. She hasn't eaten anything or had a drink for a few days now. As a family, we feel that her body is speedily shutting down one small bit at a time. My mom is having to be there pretty much all day and she works to make sure Jenny is comfortable. I don't envy my mom for having to be there, in Jenny's home, with all of her photos and with all of her earthly possessions. Jenny's "essence" is everywhere you look. It's such an emotional pull on her. I think it would be hard for me to do the same.

Here is another e-mail she sent out. It's from October 30, 2006. It was right after we went to Disneyland as a family.

Netty wrote me today and it made me realize that I haven’t been writing as much as I hoped to do. I’m still feeling really great – a little stressed at time with two little kids and mountains and mountains of laundry! :o) I have a few more months of chemo (okay, I’m not even half way finished) but compared with what some others have to go through, my chemo is relatively easy. I do five days a month. My mom takes the kids (which means she has to get up in the night with Phoenix (and/or Erin). My dad helps out. He and Erin “eat grapes” every night so my mom can get some things done around the house. I usually can go to lunch or a movie the first couple of days, and then I generally just feel pretty crummy. I’ll still go and walk around at the mall or something, but even the smell of movie theater popcorn makes me a bit queasy. The anti-nausea meds work great and they’re worth every penny (or twelve bucks a tablet – maybe I should just smoke some pot – just kidding, just kidding). I am just grateful to still be here and able to spend a lot of time with my kids (even if it does mean a lot of work for me!). I went to visit a mission companion last week and she has four kids, so I can’t complain much. I don’t know how she does it! Being a mom is still the best job in the world.

Just before leaving for my trip to Disneyland, my PA told me that I needed a platelet infusion. I wasn’t even sure what platelets were! I looked it up on the Internet and found out that they are sticky little discs in the blood stream that make one’s blood clot. My platelet count went from 190,000 to 20,000. I asked my mom if she would take the kids overnight so that I could leave early in the morning. For the first time in the last three years, Ernie didn’t wake up when his alarm went off – and he was supposed to wake me up! We jumped out of bed at 7:45 (I was supposed to be in Salt Lake at 8:00). Anyway, I got to up to the Huntsman Center, did a quick blood test then went to the infusion center. There were mostly people in there receiving their chemo intravenously. They sat me down in a recliner and gave me an IV. While I was waiting a volunteer came in and asked me if I wanted something to drink. I told him I wanted Diet Coke and he laughed at me. What’s so funny about that? He told me all he had was juice and milk – well why didn’t he ask me if I wanted some juice or some milk – I mean, I really got my hopes up for a nice little diet Coke in a foam cup with crushed ice. :o) Another lady was finishing her chemo treatments after 14 months. They brought in a cake to celebrate. It had fourteen frosted flowers on it and everyone got a piece. I joked with my sisters that it was a lot like getting a pedicure except there were needles and I didn’t get to pick the color. My body rejected the platelets (my antibodies attacked the other antibodies). My platelet count actually went down after the infusion. Julia didn’t want me to go on vacation. I started crying and told her I was going no matter what. She worked really hard to find a hospital in Anaheim and call some orders in so that she could continue to monitor my counts and order another infusion if I needed it. Luckily, my platelets started to go back up a few days later. I still went on all of the roller coasters I could and shaved my legs – despite Julia’s warning to avoid sharp objects and not to cause my body any “trauma” by going on any roller coasters. It’s not like Disneyland has some wicked coasters or anything.

Disneyland was great fun. I’m sad that it’s already over! My mom and dad would take the kids at night and Ernie and I would hurry and ride all the “grown-up” rides. After Disneyland and Sea World, everyone else headed home. We stopped in Hollywood to see Grauman’s Chinese Theater. Gene Simmons left a tongue print (eeewwww!) and John Wayne left a print of his six-shooter. Erin made her own prints in some concrete – a souvenir we got to buy and take with us.

After Hollywood we drove to Visalia and stayed the night at a little hotel that had neither an air conditioner nor fan. It was stifling! The next morning we drove up to see the giant Sequoias. It was misty and beautiful – actually awe inspiring. The oldest tree is around 3,000 years old and it is MASSIVE! I can’t really explain it, but I felt like I had been there before. It was chilly and quiet. There weren’t many visitors and we were really able to soak in our surroundings. I’m sending some pictures. Ernie and I thought it was the best part of the trip (and it was a lot cheaper than Disneyland!).
.
I’ve been reading the New Testament. I read parts of Jesus the Christ along with it. Talmadge really offers a lot of insight into everything. Last night when I couldn’t sleep, I thought about Jesus healing the leper. Talmadge describes the leper’s plea as both “pathetic” and “inspiring”. Lepers were considered the uncleanest of all beings. He approached Christ, fell down at the Savior’s feet and asked the Savior to heal him – it wasn’t a question in the leper’s mind whether or not the Christ could heal him, but rather would he heal him? I’m sure the leper was used to people shunning him. Generally they lived separately in colonies with others who were afflicted with this malady. That being said, Christ, without hesitation, reached out his hand and touched the leper. Instantly was the leper healed – “be thou clean” the Savior told him, and he was.

Dallin H. Oaks said in the last General Conference:
“Jesus healed many from physical diseases, but He did not withhold healing from those who sought to be "made whole" from other ailments. Matthew writes that He healed every sickness and every disease among the people (see Matthew 4:23; 9:35). Great multitudes followed Him, and He "healed them all" (Matthew 12:15). Surely these healings included those whose sicknesses were emotional, mental, or spiritual. He healed them all. . .”
“. . . Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a "healing" cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. . .”
“. . . At times we may despair that our burdens are too great. When it seems that a tempest is raging in our lives, we may feel abandoned and cry out like the disciples in the storm, "Master, carest thou not that we perish?" (Mark 4:38). At such times we should remember His reply: "Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?" (v. 40).”

I know that it may be that faith may not be able to save me. If it is our time to leave this earth then it is time. I cannot say, however, that I have not been healed. Through the Lord’s grace and power, He sent his holy spirit to comfort me and “heal” my broken heart. He has literally taken my burdens upon him. I can remember two distinct instances out of the many, many, many times that I have felt comforted:

The night before my surgery, I was afraid, but I didn’t realize it until the middle of the night how frightened I really was. It was very dark and very quiet. I couldn’t sleep, and I was very worried about leaving Erin without a mom. I felt the darkness closing in around me. I prayed with all my heart and the spirit blessed me. I asked Ernie to come and lay down with me in my bed. We laid there holding each other. I knew everything was going to be okay. It was the beginning of the “healing” process for me. The Lord knew how difficult the next few months would be. His love for me was a salve for my sorrowing spirit.

Another instance was one morning back when I was doing my radiation treatments. I had to go to the OB that morning. Erin was crying and I was tired. Suddenly my burdens felt very heavy. I layed down on the couch and sobbed. “I can’t do this” I cried out to Him, “it’s too much! It’s just too much!” I remember instantly feeling enfolded in a safe embrace. Suddenly I realized that I could do this, because the Lord was there to carry my burdens and heal my aching soul. Just a few thoughts for tonight.

Love, Jen